Psyched!!

I mentioned sometime ago that I have been accepted into the honors program at Florida A&M - well my official acceptance letter arrived in the mail a week ago. I was 'psyched' to finally have it in writing.

Additionally part of the program completion requirements is to write a major thesis. This requires getting a faculty member to advise you through the process. I asked one of my favorite professors to be advisor and she said, "yes" - 'super psyched'.

Of to begin the year-long research and writing process!

Looking Back to Look Ahead

As we come to the end of the year and the end of the first decade of the new millennium, I think it is import to reflect on how far I have come. In 50 years I have accomplished a lot in many respects and not enough in others - but the point is I am making progress never-the-less.

This year has been a year of much introspection for me. I have come to terms with many things and relationships that have brought me many years of pain - that in itself is progress. Additionally I have decided once and for all to take the rudder of my boat and stop drifting along the river of my life. Full steam ahead!

Reflecting Again

The adage says, "You don't miss what you never had," or something along those lines. My philosophy however is slightly different. You might not miss 'it', but you might wonder what it would be like if you had 'it'. These thoughts frame my contemplation of holidays.

Having grown up with a mother who most years thought Christmas and other holidays were a bother, said, "Christmas is just another day," and who believed that other than feasting no other celebration was required, has caused me to wonder - What if?.

In later years while spending holidays with friends, I realized feasting is no fun without family and lots of friends. Thus I learned what I had been missed growing up. I wonder how much more my life would have been enriched if those memories had been created way back then.

Not Cocky, Just Thankful

I did it... I just passed each course with an 'A' and officially have a 4.0 GPA. Now before you think I am bragging - I'm not. I am extremely thankful. I am thankful because I am finally living up to my true potential.

For years I have spent my life living to other's expectations or should I say lack of expectations. As far back as I can remember I have been doing just enough to get by, just because I was waiting for someone to tell me it was ok to achieve. Those days are finally over.

I am also thankful to be able to fullfill the dream that I have always had - to be successful in college.

I'm celebrating... here's to the future...

Final Moive Presentation

As the final in Advanced Composition we were required to choose 2 of the three novels read in class, find 3 to 5 common themes and produce a movie. Here is my work...

Anticipation or Trepidation?

Exams are over... waiting for final grades. Anticipation or trepidation? I have confidence in an excellent result but I want to see it in print. I DON'T want to be disappointed.

All professors must have their grades in by noon on Monday. From there, I do not know how soon I will be able to view my grade online. I trust that it will be no later than Tuesday.

Anticipation or trepidation...?
[Alternating between drumming fingers on the desk and biting nails]

Cathartic It Aint...

I am usually never short of words -- either in speech or print. However at the moment I feel like I have a lot to express but somehow I can't get the words just right. Hm mm...[thought]. That's it -- words escape me. Words are like water right now. Words, like water I am watching flow through my hands as I try desperately to hold on. That's how my words are. Just like the water, I want to hold them, study them and make sense of them, but they are there for a quick moment and they are gone from my grasp.

I have 50 years worth of feelings that I want to purge from me... some good and a whole lot of bad and the words remain elusive...

Thankful for Thanksgiving

Just a little down time is what I required to recharge. Though I feel at home in, and love the academic environment of both school and work, I needed a little break. I have not been out of the house since Wednesday evening and have spent most of the time cooking, surfing the web and watching TV. "Some break, some holiday," you might say. It is however just what I needed.

Recently I have been concerned about finals and grades -- not that I am doing poorly. Quite to the contrary my grades are still good. I did however apply and was admitted into the honors program at the university and thus have added to the self-imposed academic pressure on myself.

Milestone

My diploma finally arrived in the mail. I can at last hold in my hands the piece of paper that says, I have successful completed 2 years of college at the undergraduate level -- the Associate in Arts Degree.
Small accomplishment, but never-the-less an accomplishment all the same. It shows that I am moving forward.

I am going to have my diploma framed along with the letter from Tallahassee Community College saying that I achieved the Dean's List in my graduating semester.

What the Heck!

Well I have finally accomplished it... NOTHING! My 'superego' lost out today to my lazy 'id'. For those who are not interested in Freud --- in other words, I wasted the day and did not spend the day with my head in a book studying, as I usually do. Do I feel guilty? "Superego" is angry and upset, "id" says, "What the heck... tomorrow's another day!"

The Latest

By now you have probably assumed that I have given up on this blog. Quite to the contrary -- this blog is always in my thoughts. I do prefer writing for pleasure rather than writing the obligatory research reports. Unfortunately at this juncture in my life I have little control over how I spend my time. Intense study and the challenges of work keep me more than busy.

Currently I am doing rather well with my courses, maintaining an 'A' average in all except Astronomy. You see, even though I am in a supposed science class for none science majors, our beloved instructor insists on putting emphasis on math problem solving. Calculations involving lambda and delta are this man's obsession. Personally these problems hold no interest for me. Further, I have lived on this Earth for 50 years and I have never had any need to calculate the distance to the nearest planet, nor have I wished to know how much heat is emitted by a random star. Therefore as an English major, I question why I need to learn such difficult math. My classmates seem to be of the same opinion and there have been several lively debates in class.

Along with my intense studying, I also have new work responsibilities. I am now responsible for adult education testing. I enjoy this new challenge as I am learning a lot and have the opportunity to impliment new testing procedures, to improve our program's efficiency. Twenty hour work weeks seem to have incresed to 25 hour weeks.

There are many days that I feel guilty about how much time a spend away from my family, but my husband constantly reasures me that this is my time to achieve the goals I long ago set to the side. He says I have sacrificed enough and I must make school my focus.

Thank God for my husband!!!

Oh the Pain!

I have spent much of the past several weeks adjusting to the rigors of balancing study with work and home duties. For some reason this semester seems more strenuous physically than the previous semester. I know that I do more up hill walking and carrying of books than I ever did before, but nothing I think, that should make me ache so much. It seems unbelievable, I can't be that out of shape! I have aches that I didn't know I could have. Shoulders, knuckles, knees -- you name it, I have an ache there.

Recently I started to get a pain in the arch of my left foot. Each day, around about midday I would get the pain and as the day progressed it would get worse. All my efforts to wear flat "sensible" shoes seemed to be to no avail, because at the end of most days I would be limping. Watching my fellow classmates strutting around campus in their 4 and 5 inch heels was not helping me feel any better either. "Ahh... to be young again," I would say to myself. I was also hobbling around thinking how was I going to go to the doctor with no insurance or available cash. The pain and my whirlwind of thoughts were really getting to me until... I solved my own problem.

Last week Monday, I was getting dressed for school and work and realized that I needed to dress up a little, because I had a meeting to attend later in the day. Nothing formal, just something a little nicer than my usual campus/work attire and perhaps -- a shoe with a heel. Yes you guessed it! By wearing a shoe, with a moderate heel (no stilettos here), I did not experience the pain in my foot. I have been wearing heels since and no pain. Does this mean that I have to concede that those twentysomethings know something after all? ... NO NEVER!

Life is Good?

It has been sometime since I have shared my thoughts and experiences. In fact the very reason I have this blog has prevented me from posting --- school. Since last I shared, I have had quizzes, oral presentations, papers to write and lots of general study. It seems that between this and going to work I have had little time for anything else. The irony of it all is that it is 4:17 a.m. and I need to sleep and I can't!

Life's Demands

School and work are catching up with me! Yesterday was my long day at school, with 3 daytime classes back-to-back and one evening class. Coupled with that, I went to work on my break, rather than the library which is my normal routine. I had to fit work in somewhere because Monday was a holiday and I needed to make up hours as well as catch up on paper work. So in an effort to catch up at work, I lost time that I normally spend doing homework. Thus I have to finish a paper and a presentation tonight before tomorrow's English classes. Thank goodness I don't mind writing and talking :). Still today is going to be busy, with an oral test in French class this morning and then work until 5:30 p.m. Guess I will have to pull a late nighter...

A tout a l'heure!

Culmination

Books have always been my solace. As a child, during difficult times I could always find escape and answers to my wanderings hidden in their pages. I found today that time and distance changes little in that regard. For an Advanced Composition reading assignment, I spent most of the day reading "Song of Solomon", by Tony Morrison. There in, I found the summation of a family relationship I had until this time been unable to put into words...

"Well, the man saw this baby snake bleeding and hurt. Lying there in the dirt. And the man felt sorry for it and picked it up and put it in his basket and took it home. And he fed it and took care of it till it was big and strong. Fed it the same thing he ate. Then one day, the snake turned on him and bit him. Stuck his poison tongue right in the man's heart. ... He asked [the snake], 'What'd you do that for?' He said, 'Didn't I take good care of you? Didn't I save your life?'... Know what the snake said? Said, 'But you knew I was a snake, didn't you?'

Age is Just a Number

"Quel age avez vous?" I knew it would come one day and I was prepared. I had anticipated that my fellow class mates, in French class, would be shocked to find out my age. In fact, no one batted an eye, there were no gasps, or exclamations and I was glad. It is not that I am embarrassed about my age and the fact that I am still a college student, quite to the contrary, I am quite proud to be the age that I am, competing academically with others half my age. I am pleased that at my age, I have received 2 scholarships in one year and made the Dean's List to boot.

My Routine

No wild and crazy incidents to report, my life after the first week of school, has taken on the regularityof a heart beat. Not to say that it has become mundane to say the least -- I would never to succumb to that. Also the plans I have for the future would not allow it.

Since my last post, I have begun working again as an assistant instructor in the Adult Education Department at Tallahassee Community College. I love the collegiate enviornment and most of all I enjoy working with adults, who have made the life changing decision to work towards obtaining their high school diplomas and then go on to further education. Now, by working 20 hrs. a week and taking a full course load of 17 hrs., while balancing my duties as a wife and mother, I have to manage every moment of my day. No matter, I love the routine of my life.


Pictured: A glimpse of FAMU's campus - focusing on the many hills, dales and steps that I whined about in earlier posts -- I've gotten use to them now. I look at the trecking as my exercise/weight loss regimen, that I don't have time for anywhere else in the day ;).

How Little Becomes Big

Fifteen years ago, or maybe just a little less, was the last time I spoke with him. No he wasn't someone I saw regularly -- an ocean determined that. Nor was he someone that I could say that I shared specific memories with -- I've always been envious of those who could recall with vivid detail moments they shared with family. That's why I was surprised at the overwhelming grief that I felt when I found out he had died. Perhaps it was because he always greeted me with that sunny smile accompanied with that cool, "Hey Cuz." It never appeared he had a care in the world, even though I heard through casual, family gossip that he did. He just had a way of greeting you, as if you had been the last pleasant thought on his mind. Unconditional caring is what I saw. Rest in peace Sammy.

Catharsis

It seems as though a thought or an incident, for me, can take on a complete life of its own, albeit in my head. The colors of words begin to multiply until I have covered the complete canvas of my mind. Naturally, in order to prepare the studio for the next project, I must free my work to the outside world.

Mercy, The Blackberry & A Stolen Moment

Perhaps the fact that I stayed in bed late and didn't leave the house until it was exactly 4:32 p.m., allowed my day to pass without incident. Then again, divine mercy should get the credit. In spite of yesterday's spill, I woke up without soreness and only purple bruises on each knee as testament to my acrobatics.

First stop after leaving the house was the Sprint store, to get my beloved Blackberry fixed; a casualty of my fall yesterday. Anyone who knows me, can testify to the fact that my phone is near me 24 hrs. a day. During daylight hours, most times it resides in either hand. That is why it was rather disconcerting to know that my dear friend had a broken smile -- a cracked screen. You may wonder why I keep my phone nearby at all times. It is not because I love to receive calls and chat a lot, but quite to the contrary, my Blackberry represents the filing cabinet of my life and my constant connection to the world. Where else can I make notes to myself (which becomes vitally important as the years pass), take an secure pictures, check my numerous email accounts, as well as listen to music, and keep in touch with the obligatory social networks, all at the touch of a few keys.

With my beloved friend whole once again, my next stop was the mall. Now wait a minute, again for those of you who know me well and are thinking that I have finally resorted to "retail therapy" to while away the hours -- NEVER. You know shopping will never be my thing. I am of the persuasion that decides beforehand on what I want to purchase and with purpose and deliberation, selects the store, goes off and gets the object or objects of my desire, end of story. No, my only purpose of going to the mall was to go to Barnes & Noble -- just couldn't disappoint the nerd in me. You see, one of the few things I find most relaxing is to spend time browsing the stacks, BY MYSELF, preferably with a cup of Starbucks, raw sugar and half n half --thank you very much.

I was able to enjoy an hour of heaven and then the buzz of the Blackberry --

"Hello!"

"Hey hon! On your way home, can you stop at the store and get something for supper."

*Poof* there went the moment. Now you know why I don't like receiving calls. (Just kidding... I love you honey!!!)

Pain, Rain & Resolve

Don't really know if it was the telephone or the pain that woke me up this morning. It seemed that I moved in bed and felt a terrific pain in my shoulder, at the same time the telephone rang. It was my 31 year-old son calling from overseas. We talked while I massaged my shoulder. Perhaps the pain came from the stress of carrying my 23 lb. book laden bag (yes, I did weigh it) around all day or maybe it was a signal that rain was imminent -- old injuries tend to react in that way. By the time I hung up the phone it was raining and I knew that the day would provide some new challenge.

By the time I left the house it was pouring and that's when I realized my daughter had driven off hours earlier, with my umbrella secured under her truck seat. Thank goodness for Wally World -- no matter how one feels about Wal-Mart, they are always good in a pinch. With a new umbrella, I was off to campus. My husband got me to my destination without further incident, and I began my cycle of Thursday classes.

Aside from juggling my rather heavy bag with an umbrella in the rain, over the ever present hills and steps, my day was shaping up to be rather uneventful. This was not to be however, there was something else in store. When my husband came to pick me up, he stopped at the curb in front of the building of where I was waiting. I proceeded down the sidewalk and when I reached the curb it was necessary for me to step on to the grass in order to get into my husband's truck. I remember looking down before I placed my foot on the grass and noticed nothing amiss, but when I placed my left foot down, it went deep into a hole and I pitched forward. Landing on the concrete curb on both knees, I felt the jolt all the way to my head and I heard the crack of my Blackberry hitting the concrete. I scrambled up and managed to get in the truck. That's when the pain set in. Long story shortened a bit, I have knots on each knee that are swelling by the minute, a slight bruise on my forehead (not sure how I got that) and a broken Blackberry screen.

I mentioned in an earlier post that over the years I have faced many challenges to furthering my education. I feel this incident while relatively minor, but painful is synonymous with my struggle to accomplishment. There are always forces at work to deter a person from their destination. There is rain, breaks and falls that come to hinder, but we must always forge on. My swollen knees will go down, my bruises will disappear and I will carry on and ultimately receive the degrees I have set out to obtain.

Snafooes, Dungeon Dwellers & Stilettoes

It was with great anticipation and a sense of pending accomplishment that I entered Coleman Library yesterday during my afternoon break between classes. I chose a relatively quiet corner on the second floor and commenced to unload all the necessities of a successful student -- laptop, textbooks, paper, pen -- you get the idea. I was excited to find a nearby power outlet so I plugged my laptop in and began to boot-her-up. I followed the procedure necessary to pick up the building's unseen wireless signal and after a short delay I was able to get a weak signal. Off to the WWW via Internet Explorer, then the dreaded message that informed me that FAMU required me to enter my email address and password. OK obligingly I click, click, click --- I entered what I thought was my email address and password. It had to be the same username and password that I used for my other FAMU account, after all, that was how they did it at the other college.

I figure you have guessed by now, it didn't work as I anticipated. OK no problem, I started to look for the number for the campus IT hotline and remember from prior experience, that they do not answer their calls. I thought, "Maybe if I ask at the reference desk, I can be directed to a warm body that can help me." I am directed to a room located several buildings away, where I was surprised to find a line of people just like me, with the same problem -- no access to their email accounts. I signed in, filled out a request slip and patiently waited.

Enter the Dungeon Dwellers -- those curious IT people who work in windowless environments and prefer virtual companionship somewhere in cyberspace and the touch of a keyboard, than real flesh and blood. You know the type! These are the individuals who are disgusted at the fact that you are too inept to fix your own IT problem, and they are absolutely appalled at the fact that they will have to fix it for you; even though a) it was not your fault to start with and b) they are getting paid to solve your problem. Needless-to-say, after much to-do about nothing, I get my issue resolved, rather quickly I must mention and returned to the library.

Once back in the library, I started the process of preparing my nest again and began the log in process. Finally, I had success! I accomplished a few things and then I had to log into my FAMU campus account. AGAIN PROBLEMS!!! I started out again to visit the Dungeon Dwellers. Fortunately I made it there and had my issue resolved, just before the Dungeon Dwellers closed up shop and go to wherever Dungeon Dwellers go for the night.

By now I was totally exhausted, and I had a 5:30 p.m. class clear across campus. What a long day of walking over hill and dale, I was exhausted and it took all of me to get to my class. Makes me wonder how them twenty-somethings, walk around campus, all day in those 5 inch stilettoes...

Long Day!!

Wow... what a busy day! Today was the first of my long Tuesdays --- Astronomy, Intro. to Literature (Honors), Advance Composition, and Psychology. I have walked up and down hills and steps... searched for classrooms and I am too tired to elaborate right now. Stay tuned, I will tell all tomorrow!

This picture taken at FAMU, looking across to Lee Hall from Coleman Library (my new home away from home ) :-)

Further Reflections...

Got to thinking about this journey I am on and realized that over the past 6 months I have had bouts of wanting to get the whole process over with yesterday, coupled with times of savoring the moment. In reality there are times when I am angry with myself for not having completed my education 25 years earlier, especially on those occasions I have earned less than credentialed co-workers with far less expertise and experience than I. Alas however, I recognize I am on the home stretch of the first leg of my journey and each accomplishment means that much more to me, and at the end of the day I will have realized something that I have dreamt of for many years.

French Class

"Bonjour, madame. Comment vous appelez-vous? "
Je m'appelle... ."
I made it through French class. This conversation took me way back to my high school days in Madame Holder's class. My new instructor, Dr. Diallo or Madame Diallo as she prefers to be called, is very endearing and so far has made class enjoyable. No boring verb conjugation here, just rapid fire total immersion. I think I may become fluent in French yet!

The funniest thing in class however was during introductions. Madame Diallo passed from student to student assigning titles, "Monsieur... , Mademoiselle..., Mademoiselle..., Monsieur... ." When she gets to me, she politely, hesitantly says, "Mademoiselle... ." I politely say "Madame," and we all laugh. Shoot, I'm probably the same age as my professor and the same age as my fellow classmates' parents.

Juggling the Various Aspects of My Life

In our school district, today is also the first day of school for elementary, middle and high school students. Unlike many others my age, I have two children under the age of 18 still at home, a 9 year-old and a 16 year-old. My 9 year-old son is homeschooled, therefore before I leave for campus I must get him started on his own studies. My 16 year-old however is also a college student, embarking on her freshman year at Tallahassee Community College. Life will be hectic, but I am a believer in taking each day as it comes, while meeting the challenges head on, of course with the ever present support of my husband. My daughter and I will have to share a vehicle for the time being, therefore we will have to synchronize our schedules. That'll be fun with a teenager -- they always seem to think that their whims of the moment take precedence over whatever else is happening. I think there will be a few days that I will be left to find my own way, over the 20 miles to the house. Stay tuned...

Reflections...

Looking back over the years, it has often seemed as though there was a force conspiring against me, to deter me from completing my college education; not that I didn't often have a hand in it myself. I can't count the times on both hands, when I attempted to embark on the journey toward further education, just to be hindered by one situation or the other. Initially, the commitment of family and then the lack of money were my greatest hindrances. Never-the-less, the desire to pursue a college education stayed strong. I see now that this desire has perhaps been one of the greatest motivating factors in my life -- my reason to get up each morning -- knowing that one day I will reach my dream. On numerous occasions I have shelved my college education plans, just to take them out and dust them off, for another whirl of a try. The point is, I have never given up and I won't give up! I will not let circumstances that surround me, the naysayers that confront me, write my destiny. The one constant in my life is my desire to succeed and eventually receive the letters... PhD. And also at this juncture I have the support of my darling husband, which means a lot to me.

Entering my Junior Year

In January of 2009 my husband encouraged me to return to college as a full-time college student. After more than 3 decades of collecting college credits here and there, I was happy to find, on enrollment at Tallahassee Community College, that I was only 20 credits away from receiving an AA Degree. From February through July I was able to complete 21 credits and on July 7th, 2009 (my 18th wedding anniversary) I graduated from TCC with an AA Degree. Tomorrow I will begin my junior year at Florida A & M University majoring in English.

Go Rattlers!!!!!
(Florida A & M University's mascot is the rattle snake.)