The Hidden "Me"

Free to Be Me

Well, it certainly has been awhile. At least one whole semester has come and gone since I last posted here. I am still however, relentless in my goal of completing my undergraduate degree. In fact I have one semester left before graduation.

Since last I posted here, I have lost a considerable amount of weight. I now wear a size 8 - down from the size 18 I wore 18 months ago. You might be thinking that the stress of taking 18+ credits a semester has finally taken its toll. To the contrary, my weight loss is due to completely changing my eating habits. I now limit my intake of sugar and processed foods. On the rare occasions when I do use sugar, I use raw or turbinado sugar.

I can hear what you're thinking - I have lost my mind and I am depriving myself. I can tell you however, that I do not feel deprived and I actually do not miss any of the sugary treats. I have replaced them with 100% whole grains, fruits and nuts. I am never hungry unless I am late eating a meal. Most of all though, I FEEL GREAT!

Now before someone out there succumbs to condemnation, my testimonial is not intended to point fingers, I realize that my new eating lifestyle is not for everyone. Therefore I am not advocating or trying to impose my new way of eating on others - and this brings me to another point. Just this afternoon, a friend posted on facebook, "My name is TRIUMPH! What's yours and a short description of why?" I gave it a thought, examined some of the other posts which listed,"Determined," "Victorious," etc., then I realized, and posted the following:

My name is "Me"... happy with who I am. I was given all the strength and ability I will ever need at birth. Everyday may not be great, but everyday I am happy with "Me." There is nothing I need to change - the good, bad or ugly, it is all a part of who I am. I just need to learn to better manage all the things that make me "Me."

The foregoing sums up my philosophy. In this journey I have become very comfortable with who I am. The weight loss is not the result of trying to make myself look like someone else. It has come as a result of living life on my own terms and accepting me for who I am - a book loving, wife, mother, grandmother, who does not always please people, nor live up to their expectations, but those who know me best, love me just the way I am.

Peace

The Year in Brief

The past year has been great, albeit hard work. I have had moments when I thought that I wasn't going to make my goal of getting all 'A's. As ridiculous as it seems to some, I want to graduate 'summa cum laude' in the Spring of 2011. That is my goal and I won't give up.

Summer school begins on Monday and I have had a good week's break. I'm ready!

Big Chill (as in Chillin)

Woohoo! Finals are finished and now it is time more some mind-numbing television, sleep and overall chillin (not necessaritly in that order). It has been a hard but good semester.

Wonk, Wonk...

As I listen I know I've heard that voice before, "Wonk, wonk... wonk wonk." Then it dawns on me with a sudden clarity, unlike the biology lecture I am enduring -- it's the voice of Charlie Brown's teacher. Doesn't this professor have any other gears? Her voice seems to be stuck in 2nd and at 8 a.m., less than a week post the time change 'Spring Forward', her lecture is too much. Thus, with the drone in my ears, I take an hour and a quarter nap. Hopefully I get the information via osmosis.

Just TMI!

OK, it's time to vent. My latest rant is about "cracks and backs". Yes, I'm talking about those hinder parts of people's anatomy that should remain private. I'm tired of walking around campus behind men who wear their pants completely under their behinds, revealing dingy underwear or worse, as they waddle like penguins down the sidewalk. Further, women are not exempt from my criticism. Women with ample "junk in the trunk" need not wear low-rise jeans that reveal deep flesh valleys. Don't they feel the breeze? It's the most disgusting thing in the world to be in class and have one of these individuals sit in front of you. Enough already people... TOO MUCH INFORMATION!

I'm Still Here...

Wow it has been 'a minute' since I made an entry here. To say my life is extreme is quite a bit of an understatement. Just when most of my peers are stepping toward the door of retirement, I have embarked (again) on one of the greatest challenges of my life.

The last few months have been crazy busy and I have wondered if I am going to be able to keep this pace up. However when that feeling comes over me I realize that I can't give up. Yesterday at work when I filled out my time-sheet for the last month, I realized that I unintentionally worked 2 hours short of full-time (avg. 40 hrs per week). I don't know how I managed, along with carrying 16 credit hours of course work. Something is going to have to give, but this time around it can't be school.

They say, "The definition of insanity is to do something the way you always have and expect different results." This is apropos to me; usually in the past when I have tried to work and go to school I have cut back on school in favor of work (always need the money)and end up being stuck in a dead-end job. Not this time... the insanity has stopped; I have to fulfill my dream. I have to scale back on work, even though I need the money and concentrate on school. I can't let my GPA suffer, I am applying to several PhD programs for Fall 2011. My goal is to forgo a masters program and enter directly into a doctoral program. Very competitive, but doable. I HAVE A PLAN!

I promise some lighter stuff will follow next post. Stay tuned...

Psyched!!

I mentioned sometime ago that I have been accepted into the honors program at Florida A&M - well my official acceptance letter arrived in the mail a week ago. I was 'psyched' to finally have it in writing.

Additionally part of the program completion requirements is to write a major thesis. This requires getting a faculty member to advise you through the process. I asked one of my favorite professors to be advisor and she said, "yes" - 'super psyched'.

Of to begin the year-long research and writing process!

Looking Back to Look Ahead

As we come to the end of the year and the end of the first decade of the new millennium, I think it is import to reflect on how far I have come. In 50 years I have accomplished a lot in many respects and not enough in others - but the point is I am making progress never-the-less.

This year has been a year of much introspection for me. I have come to terms with many things and relationships that have brought me many years of pain - that in itself is progress. Additionally I have decided once and for all to take the rudder of my boat and stop drifting along the river of my life. Full steam ahead!

Reflecting Again

The adage says, "You don't miss what you never had," or something along those lines. My philosophy however is slightly different. You might not miss 'it', but you might wonder what it would be like if you had 'it'. These thoughts frame my contemplation of holidays.

Having grown up with a mother who most years thought Christmas and other holidays were a bother, said, "Christmas is just another day," and who believed that other than feasting no other celebration was required, has caused me to wonder - What if?.

In later years while spending holidays with friends, I realized feasting is no fun without family and lots of friends. Thus I learned what I had been missed growing up. I wonder how much more my life would have been enriched if those memories had been created way back then.

Not Cocky, Just Thankful

I did it... I just passed each course with an 'A' and officially have a 4.0 GPA. Now before you think I am bragging - I'm not. I am extremely thankful. I am thankful because I am finally living up to my true potential.

For years I have spent my life living to other's expectations or should I say lack of expectations. As far back as I can remember I have been doing just enough to get by, just because I was waiting for someone to tell me it was ok to achieve. Those days are finally over.

I am also thankful to be able to fullfill the dream that I have always had - to be successful in college.

I'm celebrating... here's to the future...

Final Moive Presentation

As the final in Advanced Composition we were required to choose 2 of the three novels read in class, find 3 to 5 common themes and produce a movie. Here is my work...

Anticipation or Trepidation?

Exams are over... waiting for final grades. Anticipation or trepidation? I have confidence in an excellent result but I want to see it in print. I DON'T want to be disappointed.

All professors must have their grades in by noon on Monday. From there, I do not know how soon I will be able to view my grade online. I trust that it will be no later than Tuesday.

Anticipation or trepidation...?
[Alternating between drumming fingers on the desk and biting nails]

Cathartic It Aint...

I am usually never short of words -- either in speech or print. However at the moment I feel like I have a lot to express but somehow I can't get the words just right. Hm mm...[thought]. That's it -- words escape me. Words are like water right now. Words, like water I am watching flow through my hands as I try desperately to hold on. That's how my words are. Just like the water, I want to hold them, study them and make sense of them, but they are there for a quick moment and they are gone from my grasp.

I have 50 years worth of feelings that I want to purge from me... some good and a whole lot of bad and the words remain elusive...

Thankful for Thanksgiving

Just a little down time is what I required to recharge. Though I feel at home in, and love the academic environment of both school and work, I needed a little break. I have not been out of the house since Wednesday evening and have spent most of the time cooking, surfing the web and watching TV. "Some break, some holiday," you might say. It is however just what I needed.

Recently I have been concerned about finals and grades -- not that I am doing poorly. Quite to the contrary my grades are still good. I did however apply and was admitted into the honors program at the university and thus have added to the self-imposed academic pressure on myself.

Milestone

My diploma finally arrived in the mail. I can at last hold in my hands the piece of paper that says, I have successful completed 2 years of college at the undergraduate level -- the Associate in Arts Degree.
Small accomplishment, but never-the-less an accomplishment all the same. It shows that I am moving forward.

I am going to have my diploma framed along with the letter from Tallahassee Community College saying that I achieved the Dean's List in my graduating semester.

What the Heck!

Well I have finally accomplished it... NOTHING! My 'superego' lost out today to my lazy 'id'. For those who are not interested in Freud --- in other words, I wasted the day and did not spend the day with my head in a book studying, as I usually do. Do I feel guilty? "Superego" is angry and upset, "id" says, "What the heck... tomorrow's another day!"

The Latest

By now you have probably assumed that I have given up on this blog. Quite to the contrary -- this blog is always in my thoughts. I do prefer writing for pleasure rather than writing the obligatory research reports. Unfortunately at this juncture in my life I have little control over how I spend my time. Intense study and the challenges of work keep me more than busy.

Currently I am doing rather well with my courses, maintaining an 'A' average in all except Astronomy. You see, even though I am in a supposed science class for none science majors, our beloved instructor insists on putting emphasis on math problem solving. Calculations involving lambda and delta are this man's obsession. Personally these problems hold no interest for me. Further, I have lived on this Earth for 50 years and I have never had any need to calculate the distance to the nearest planet, nor have I wished to know how much heat is emitted by a random star. Therefore as an English major, I question why I need to learn such difficult math. My classmates seem to be of the same opinion and there have been several lively debates in class.

Along with my intense studying, I also have new work responsibilities. I am now responsible for adult education testing. I enjoy this new challenge as I am learning a lot and have the opportunity to impliment new testing procedures, to improve our program's efficiency. Twenty hour work weeks seem to have incresed to 25 hour weeks.

There are many days that I feel guilty about how much time a spend away from my family, but my husband constantly reasures me that this is my time to achieve the goals I long ago set to the side. He says I have sacrificed enough and I must make school my focus.

Thank God for my husband!!!

Oh the Pain!

I have spent much of the past several weeks adjusting to the rigors of balancing study with work and home duties. For some reason this semester seems more strenuous physically than the previous semester. I know that I do more up hill walking and carrying of books than I ever did before, but nothing I think, that should make me ache so much. It seems unbelievable, I can't be that out of shape! I have aches that I didn't know I could have. Shoulders, knuckles, knees -- you name it, I have an ache there.

Recently I started to get a pain in the arch of my left foot. Each day, around about midday I would get the pain and as the day progressed it would get worse. All my efforts to wear flat "sensible" shoes seemed to be to no avail, because at the end of most days I would be limping. Watching my fellow classmates strutting around campus in their 4 and 5 inch heels was not helping me feel any better either. "Ahh... to be young again," I would say to myself. I was also hobbling around thinking how was I going to go to the doctor with no insurance or available cash. The pain and my whirlwind of thoughts were really getting to me until... I solved my own problem.

Last week Monday, I was getting dressed for school and work and realized that I needed to dress up a little, because I had a meeting to attend later in the day. Nothing formal, just something a little nicer than my usual campus/work attire and perhaps -- a shoe with a heel. Yes you guessed it! By wearing a shoe, with a moderate heel (no stilettos here), I did not experience the pain in my foot. I have been wearing heels since and no pain. Does this mean that I have to concede that those twentysomethings know something after all? ... NO NEVER!

Life is Good?

It has been sometime since I have shared my thoughts and experiences. In fact the very reason I have this blog has prevented me from posting --- school. Since last I shared, I have had quizzes, oral presentations, papers to write and lots of general study. It seems that between this and going to work I have had little time for anything else. The irony of it all is that it is 4:17 a.m. and I need to sleep and I can't!